How extreme independence ruined relationships

(A think piece, written exclusively by wantmoreN8)

The What

From the beginning of human existence it was one thing that helped us survive, build, and accomplish more than any other animal on the planet, teamwork! The ability to collectively work toward a set of goals with designated people to play each position. This process trickled down from kingdoms, to villages, to families, and even relationships. For thousands of years relationships were held together by dependency. A positive trait that has earned a negative connotation in more recent times.

By todays standards, dependency is perceived as weak and undesirable. Men want women who already have their lives together who want them but ultimately don’t need them. Women want men who can manage the household, finances, cook, clean, raise children, plan trips, pay rent and everything in between. Anything less is settling and who wants to settle when they don’t have to? This generation has also produced the highest divorce rates in our history. People are getting married less frequently and having children much later in life. But why? If you ask me it’s because we’ve forgotten how to be dependent.

The Why

Between self help books and social media posts people are not only looking for perfect, but picture perfect. People are comparing their mundane cereal for breakfast to the latest Tik Tok influencer who just had flowers delivered to his woman’s job via helicopter. Deserving love everyday as you should, but rarely understanding how love actually works and the different ways it can manifest itself. Love can be constant, but is it what you’re looking for? Or are you looking for lust? Infatuation? Maybe desire? Do you understand that these things are fleeting?

These things are impossible to maintain daily in a 5, 10, or 20 year relationship. They come in cycles throughout a relationship but many of us leave after the very first cycle of the “honeymoon stage”. After the initial peak, the first valley we find ourselves in we immediately look for a way out. We tell ourselves we don’t have to deal with this (which is true), we tell ourselves we can find someone who will make us feel loved every single day.

And just like that, we’re back to square one and the cycle continues. Why is this? Money. Money rules and money can render you fully independent. You don’t need a partner so there’s nothing that’s keeping you together when the road gets rough. You can provide your own housing, but can’t cook? DoorDash. Can’t drive? Lyft. Need childcare? Get a nanny or sitter.

the tie in

In the generations before ours there was a certain necessity in relationships. One partner works all day and provides financially. The other partner stays home, raises the children, and takes care of home. One can’t exist and thrive without the other. In ancient times a village consisted of specialists. Medicine man, home builder, hunter, fisherman, basket weaver, entertainer, and so much more. Everyone had a role and the group couldn’t function if one of these areas was obsolete. You weren’t able to go off on your own and survive unless you possessed all of these skills, which was rare.

In the 21st century, as everything becomes more and more remote and autonomous we need to find and accept new ways to be dependent. Find the glue that will keep us together long enough for another cycle of lust, desire, and infatuation to roll around.

A relationship where two partners runs a business. One partner is a master marketing genius, while the other is an all-star accountant. The business thrives on the backs of both and can’t flourish without teamwork in that capacity. Even on bad terms at home, sleeping on the couch or in separate rooms, the business relationship is forced to stay intact. If the love is real then eventually the like will resume. Those “feel good” chemicals will be released in the brain and the cycle will continue. Life looks different through different lenses but we must reprogram our minds to need, to depend. To understand and accept that it takes both sunshine and rain to create a bountiful harvest.